My Journey - Part One

Where to start, well, not at the beginning because that story is way too long so let’s start at the end and by end I mean the present moment. A moment in time that feels like a culmination and a completion of a particular chapter, with a new chapter unfolding just around the corner. I’m where I am today after starting my own healing journey at the beginning of the year, a journey that was spurred on due to struggles with infertility. We’re still trying for a baby naturally and I believe more than ever that my babies are on their way but my journey has had a shift inward. This was after doing ALL THE THINGS (some of which I still do), all the natural fertility things, naturopath, acupuncture, low-tox, eating organic, diet changes (no coffee, no alcohol, fertility smoothies, seed cycling etc etc), all the testing, fertility clinic, cycle tracking, kinesiology, homeopathy, chiropractic, womb massage, everything except going down the IVF route (a choice I made early on for personal reasons).

It was time to shift my focus back to myself instead of it being on trying to conceive, a focus that had become my whole world. Time to get out of the monthly cycle of disappointment, bring some joy back into my life and reconnect to my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel disappointed every month but it feels different to before, I’m able to acknowledge all the feelings that come up, sit with them and let them be what they need to be because the fear is gone, and I know every bleed brings me one cycle closer to my babies.

Inner work is so important in this TTC (trying to conceive) journey, of course you need your physical body to be healthy and operating at an optimal level but bringing a new soul into this world is more about just the physical. Sure, some people don’t need to go through this whole healing process before their little ones come earthside but for me that hasn’t been the case and now that I’m in the midst of this (never ending) work I can see so clearly that this is where I’m meant to be, this is the path I’m meant to be on and there have been things I needed to do first before I became a mother, things I needed to do for me.

Fertility (or lack of) doesn’t define me but it has certainly led me to where I am today and for that I’m actually really grateful. Nearly 4 years ago when we starting seriously trying to conceive I felt oh so ready to be a mother, but was I truly heart, body, mind and soul ready? Or just ready because I felt like I should be and because I knew I wanted to have a baby and because you know, the clocks ticking. What does being ‘ready’ even look like, so many factors to consider in this so called ‘readiness’ and some that are difficult to admit to ourselves when we yearn to be a mother so deeply and feel like we’re running out of time. That moment is different for all of us but for me there were definitely parts of my mind, body, heart and soul that needed some love and attention first.

It certainly would have been easier (and cheaper) to fall pregnant straight away but it would have been a totally different experience and I would be a different person. Over this last year since I’ve taken the pressure off myself, put in the work and surrendered to the moment, my world has changed so much and I feel grounded and at peace. I know that all the tools I’ve learnt, especially those relating to nervous system regulation will be invaluable, not only for motherhood but life in general. This journey has been a process for me of remembering all that I am and all that I am not and reclaiming the power I hold within me. For what feels like the first time in my life, I can truly say, with conviction, that I have deep love and acceptance for myself, flaws and all.

Throughout the conception journey and the self healing journey (and life in general) there are ups, downs and sidesteps, contraction and expansion while we navigate the seasons of our life. For me it’s been a balancing act, between doing some things (well thought out, well considered things) to assist me on this journey and then not doing too much of anything. I’ve found that too much ‘doing’ can sometimes just add to the stress, take you out of your body, be more in your masculine and keep you more in your mind listening to that inner critic. I’ve spent the most part of this year ‘doing’, but in doing lots of amazing, valuable things such as coaching, retreats, healing sessions, breath work, I’ve been lucky enough to meet and work with some incredible women, women who have essentially guided me back to myself. Women I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today without their support and guidance, or maybe it just would have taken me a lot longer.

The last month or so I’ve come to a point where it’s time to pause, take a breather, acknowledge how far I’ve come and just be. Because it’s just as valuable to stop, listen to your body, know when it’s time to say no and retreat inwards. Its just as important to spend time integrating, sitting in the stillness and learning to listen to and trust myself rather than search for answers from others. Sometimes the doing ‘nothing’ is the exact thing we need to do.

When the time does come I’ll be much more equipped to deal with the rollercoaster that is motherhood and the stressors that life brings. The shedding of old emotional wounds and trauma now as well as releasing blocks and stagnation will mean there will be far less baggage to take into the future. Far less generational trauma (if any) to pass onto my children because I’m determined to break the cycle, cut the cords and heal what has come before me. And now that those wounds are healed, to actually harness all the love and strength of all the brave, courageous, incredible women and mothers in my ancestral lineage and use this to support me in my journey to motherhood.

The most important thing I’ve learnt in this journey is the power behind being true to myself, standing in that truth, speaking that truth, loving all that I am and knowing that I am enough. I’m more than enough and I am not only worthy (and deserving) to be a mother but my inherent worthiness has been there all along and my body and soul has everything it needs, already inside and I just need to tap into that and trust. Trust in myself, trust in the universe, trust in the process and trust in divine timing.

My love and thoughts go out to anyone reading this on the TTC/fertility rollercoaster (because the word ‘journey’ sounds too nice, am I right?!), we are all on unique paths which can often feel super lonely and isolating. Sending you all the magical baby dust in the world and may all your dreams come true xx

Story by Rhianna Ashton

Feature photo and photos in the first two galleries are by the super magical and talented Suzie taken at The Gathering Retreat

Photos in the last two galleries are taken by me

*This journey is my own, use your intuition, listen to your heart and do what feels right for you.